princess full of grace

This is a re-post from a very old blog detailing the unassisted birth of my daughter Sarah. I wrote it shortly after her birth and I remember every detail like it was yesterday. The story was very popular among the VBAC groups and the unassisted birth groups a few years back. I think this is one piece of my past that I will always treasure and hold close to my heart. The birth of my little princess was truly the most awesome event in my entire life and I am so blessed to be her mom. Note: “Sarah” means “Princess” and “Anne” means “Full of Grace.”

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The Birth of Sarah Anne Collins

June 2, 2004

Melissa and Sarah at 34 weeks gestation

It all started at about 11:30 P.M. on June 1st right after I went to bed. My husband, Kenneth, was working nights so he was gone. We co-sleep with our 18-month-old son and he had just fallen asleep. I felt something warm in my pants and got up to check it out. At the same time, I was surprised with a burst of energy since I had only had three hours of sleep the night before and no nap that day. I got to the bathroom and found I had ‘bloody show’. This was a little shocking as I did not bleed at all during my two days of laboring with my boy. I bled tiny bits through this entire labor, but it was such a small amount I was not worried by it.

I thought things must be happening because the energy I had now felt the same as it did when my water broke last time. I could barely feel some mild contractions and they were less intense than the ones I had just a few days before so I was not sure how soon things would begin. I called my husband to tell him that I thought I would go into labor soon, but that he could probably finish his shift as my labor will probably be very long once it does start.

I then went into the Green Room (our nickname for the room we had set up for the birth) and began to empty the jacuzzi so I could put fresh clean water in it just in case I went into labor and we decided to actually birth in the pool. I found out that the dog chewed a hole in the water hose, which was not an issue for emptying, but now I could not fill the pool which was not good. I tried to find the other hose, but our grass was long and it was very dark out so I went back inside without the hose.

celebrating (failure & triumph in) motherhood

Today is Mother’s Day. My first Mother’s Day as a single mom. My children’s world was torn apart last Autumn. They were collateral damage in a campaign against me. I tried to save their family. Maybe I could have tried harder. I was in shock about suddenly loosing everything because my whole life and future was built around my family and then it was all gone, just like that. My failure was swift, devastating, and irreversible. Now I try to be enough for my children. Moms are vital for emotionally healthy kids, but they need more than that. They need their mom and their dad. They need a happy and loving family and parents who put them first. That is what is best.

My youngest, who was only 3 when this all came down, tells me almost every day that she wishes daddy would marry me again so we can be a real family. I try to explain that we are a real family and that our family is just different now, but it is real and full of love and all that we need. She does not agree and has a mission to fix what is broken in her life. She tells me that daddy is sorry for getting a new wife, that he did not mean to do that and she tells him that I forgive him. I have not told her that I forgive him, she is making that up and I assume she is also lying about what her dad says about his “new wife.”

My oldest is also trying to resurrect his family, making appeals to his dad and trying to get him to feel guilty hoping he will see the utter destruction here and turn back to save us. He ends up making things even more tense because his dad thinks I am making them feel this way or do these things and I get accused of trying to make them hate their dad. I have been told countless times that I am hurting the kids or turning them against their father. When, in fact, I do everything I can to protect them from being hurt by this mess and to and preserve the bond they have with their father.

I cannot stop them from being upset about loosing their family or trying to put it back together. They have lost their childhood on my watch and it is like trying to hold sand in my hands, it slips through. The more I try to grasp, the more that gets lost. They have put their own joy on hold to try and save something that has been destroyed. It rules their day and their life now. I try so hard to get them to just go back to the happy little tyrants that they used to be. I have explained that they cannot help their mom and dad and that they should focus on other things, things that make them happy and help them grow. Nothing I do changes things. They want their lives to go back to the way it was when we were all together and happy. I cannot give that to them and it breaks my heart.

Today is bittersweet. At the same time that I contemplate all that my children have lost and all that I could not protect or provide, I see so much that we have accomplished together and a triumph over the destruction that we lived through these last few months. In the last 6-8 months, all three of them have learned to read and write. The older 2 have learned how to cook a whole lot of things. I have managed to buy a home for me and my kids, one that cannot be taken from us. My children and I are closer than ever and they really understand now that they can count on me no matter what is going on or how large the need is. They even show more love and concern for each other, which is so wonderful to watch.

I am rebuilding our lives with true stability and teaching my kids how to be self sufficient. I have left my hopes and dreams behind to build new ones that cannot be destroyed on the whim of someone who’s heart has turned cold towards us. My kids and I have become more solid, more sure of each others love and commitment. We are a real team. I am so proud of all that they have accomplished and so proud of all that I have done on my own. It is true that our family is less without a husband and father, but we are enough. We do not need anyone else and we will be just fine. So today, I mourn that my kids have lost what is most important to them and I celebrate that we have filled the void with my strength and the extraordinary love that my children and I share.

To Michael, Sarah, and Emily:
I love you kids and I am so sorry that things have turned out like they have, but I will always have your back and I will never let you down, ever. You are my world and I will love you with all my heart forever and ever. I am so blessed to have the three of you in my life and so happy to have the honor and the privilege of being your mom.

here I am

So I decided to start a new blog to go along with my new life and the new year. Yesterday was not just New Year’s Eve for me, it was also my 10th wedding anniversary. I was concerned earlier in the week that I would have a very hard time being that I am in the midst of a divorce that I did not expect or want. It turns out though that everything is okay, more than okay really.

My day was good, I did not have one sad moment – no crying and no mourning. I got some much needed work and planning completed, I hung out with my kids for a while, and I even got a chance to do some reading. I did not tell the kids that it was a holiday and sent them to bed at their normal snooze time (that is how I got to squeeze in some reading time for myself). I had actually planned to go to bed at 10 or 11 and not worry about the whole midnight thing, but time got away from me and well . . . I was still awake well after midnight.

With just 15 minutes left until midnight, the sounds of fireworks from outside were getting more abundant and I started to feel this happy anticipation in my solar plexus area – for no reason. Perhaps someone who loves me was sending their happy vibes my way or maybe I was able to tap into the oneness of everything for a short time while the world around me celebrated an ending and a new beginning. As the minutes went by I felt more and more calm and content. When the clock turned over to a new day and the sounds from outside reached their pinnacle, I felt an amazing peace within myself. I knew instantly that everything is just fine and it will continue to be just fine.

I wrote in a post on my old blog that I could not imagine ever being happy again. Now, just a few weeks later, I honestly cannot imagine ever being so unhappy again. For more than 4 months I have been living with a mix of intense negative emotions and those emotions are completely justified, but they tend to chip away at a person. Last night was wonderful, but it did not come without some serious work on my part. I could not have had that experience without being open to it first.

So there I was all alone in my office at midnight feeling blissful and whole. I looked up on my whiteboard and the first thing I read this year was a quote from Buddha:

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

It may have been serendipitous that I looked up at this particular quote, but is was no coincidence. It is this very principle that has made a huge difference in my life lately. It is not just some belief held by eastern spirituality  – this notion is reinforced in the Bible and even modern psychology. It is not everyday that you get those three paradigms to agree. We are what we think and we feel what we think. We really do create our own reality whether we are conscious of it or not.

The truth is that you cannot control emotion, it will do what it will do depending on how you are hard wired. But your thoughts are like a huge switch board that turns emotions off and on. The key to contentment, even happiness, is not to control your emotions or reactions, but to control your thoughts. I have worked very hard lately to learn how to do this and to start putting what I learn into practice; and it’s working.

There is even a super computer out there that can predict stock market changes (and other things) according to the cumulative text that is posted on the internet everyday. We are all out there creating reality with our thoughts. It can be measured and predicted and it can be controlled. It is an amazing idea if you really let it sink in – we can control reality.

When someone is “awake” it is not that they agree with your philosophy on life or politics or whatever, it is that they are living consciously and in control of their thoughts and their reality. Most people in this world are living unconsciously; allowing their subconscious mind and outside circumstances to dictate their thoughts. It first takes recognition that you can consciously control these things then a great deal of discipline to do it.

Today, life is perfect and I am happy because I choose it. I hope you choose happiness too ♥

Tags: growing, happiness, inner peace, moving on, New Year, spirituality