This is a re-post from a very old blog detailing the unassisted birth of my daughter Sarah. I wrote it shortly after her birth and I remember every detail like it was yesterday. The story was very popular among the VBAC groups and the unassisted birth groups a few years back. I think this is one piece of my past that I will always treasure and hold close to my heart. The birth of my little princess was truly the most awesome event in my entire life and I am so blessed to be her mom. Note: “Sarah” means “Princess” and “Anne” means “Full of Grace.”

The Birth of Sarah Anne Collins

June 2, 2004

Melissa and Sarah at 34 weeks gestation

It all started at about 11:30 P.M. on June 1st right after I went to bed. My husband, Kenneth, was working nights so he was gone. We co-sleep with our 18-month-old son and he had just fallen asleep. I felt something warm in my pants and got up to check it out. At the same time, I was surprised with a burst of energy since I had only had three hours of sleep the night before and no nap that day. I got to the bathroom and found I had ‘bloody show’. This was a little shocking as I did not bleed at all during my two days of laboring with my boy. I bled tiny bits through this entire labor, but it was such a small amount I was not worried by it.

I thought things must be happening because the energy I had now felt the same as it did when my water broke last time. I could barely feel some mild contractions and they were less intense than the ones I had just a few days before so I was not sure how soon things would begin. I called my husband to tell him that I thought I would go into labor soon, but that he could probably finish his shift as my labor will probably be very long once it does start.

I then went into the Green Room (our nickname for the room we had set up for the birth) and began to empty the jacuzzi so I could put fresh clean water in it just in case I went into labor and we decided to actually birth in the pool. I found out that the dog chewed a hole in the water hose, which was not an issue for emptying, but now I could not fill the pool which was not good. I tried to find the other hose, but our grass was long and it was very dark out so I went back inside without the hose.

The day before labor started, we painted an image of a baby in the position that Sarah was in on my belly.

I called Kenneth to tell him I was going to try to get some sleep and that I would call him if things changed. It took me forever to actually get in bed and I finally laid down around 1:30 A.M.. About ten minutes after laying down I had a fairly intense contraction and my water broke right at the peak so I got back up. I wondered to myself why I always go into labor when I have had such little sleep.

I decided to wait to see what the next contraction was like before calling my husband. The next one was three minutes later and just as intense so I called and told him to come home. He had some paperwork to do at work before he could come home and he had to get his tools since he would not be going back. I also wanted him to stop and get some ice and milk at the store. He told me he would hurry and I told him I would rather he take his time and just be careful. The road home is a dangerous one especially in the dark. He never did find a store that was open and finally arrived home around 4:00 A.M..

While he was on his way home, I curled my hair and set up the video equipment in the Green Room. I could still breathe though my  contractions, but did have to stop whatever I was doing. About 20 minutes before Kenneth got home, my son, Michael, woke up and was very upset to wake up all alone. He was screaming and crying so I tried to cheer him up, but he just wanted to be put back to sleep. I laid down with him and he went out quickly. I only had three contractions while in bed with him and between them I really enjoyed cuddling with my son for the last time as an only child.

Things really intensified when Kenneth got home. It was as if my body was waiting for it to be safe before really opening up to let the baby out. Kenneth quickly found the other water hose and we began filling the jacuzzi. I got in when it was just half full and was now having to vocalize during the contractions. The hot water heater had run out so he was boiling water so we could continue filling the pool up. I could not wait for it to be full enough to turn the jets on. He also put together something to keep some towels warm for when the baby arrived.

Then Kenneth got into the jacuzzi with me and we had a really nice time talking, kissing and cuddling. He encouraged me and gave me little massages and so on. We tried counter pressure, but must have been doing it wrong because it did not help.

My labor was wildly fierce now and we started talking about our son who would be waking up for the day within a couple hours. We had originally planned to keep him home with us, but figured that I would be going through transition when he woke up and that might be just awful for us and him so we called a friend to come and get him.

As my husband was getting Michael ready to go, I got out of the tub to labor on dry land. I was so tired. At first I labored next to the bed so I could lean on it and sway during a contraction, but finally the bed was too inviting and I got in. I slept between contractions for an hour or a little longer. That time was really nice and easy, then transition hit and lasted for two hours.

I thought I had been in transition for a while so I got in the tub and checked my cervix. I had not done so up until now because my waters were broke, but I thought that birth must be coming soon so there should be no harm in a quick feel. I felt around and thought that I could feel a head bulging up against a completely closed cervix. I felt the little hole that was closed tight. I was so very discouraged – all that work and nothing was happening. How could this be? I just could not go on any longer.

I had a brief moment when I thought that if I went to the hospital they would numb me up and get this over with (they do not do VBACs so a trip to the hospital is an automatic c-section). That thought scared me and so I worked on prepping myself for possibly days of very hard labor. I tried to get into a more accepting mind set and was hoping to embrace a whole lot more of this very unrelenting labor. I mixed up some herbs to help take the edge off, but could not drink it due to the smell and my nausea. Little did I know that I was really in transition and my baby was going to be born within an hour or so.

I started feeling an urge to push and that just confused me so much as my cervix was closed. I had heard of women having a premature urge to push at 6 or 8 cm, but not while completely closed. I went to the toilet to try and check my cervix again. That is where I always felt my cervix and figured I could get a better feel of things there. I could not find my cervix or it felt swollen or something. I could feel her head on what I thought was the other side of my vaginal wall and it was bulging toward my rectum. Then I noticed that as I pressed on the bulge of her head I could not feel anything.

No pain or tenderness or even pressure. There was not anything between my finger and her head. I was complete and that was not my swollen cervix or my vaginal wall but was her head right there! No way! She was ready for me to push her out and had been for at least 20 minutes now. It was a lock of her hair that I thought was a closed cervix before.

I went back to the Green Room and got in the Jacuzzi. I pushed a little with my contractions and after ten minutes my husband could see the top of her head (about a quarter size) at my vaginal opening. I started to feel the ring of fire, but only on the left side. I call it the strip of fire, lol. It hurt so bad and I got really scared thinking about tearing. I think that fear made things a lot more painful as fear limits the oxygen available to nonessential organs such as the reproductive tract. I started begging Sarah not to rush, just take her time.

I stopped pushing and started panting when I had to so she would come out slower, but I do not think it worked. I had three contractions where the fire was really bad and made me scream a very high pitched “bloody murder” scream. I am so glad that I live in the middle of no where with the closest neighbor about 1/4 mile away. On that second contraction, her head was half way out and I could feel the tips of her ears. I was standing on my knees in the pool and will never forget the feeling of her head cupped in my hand. It was the most awesome few moments of my entire life.

Baby Sarah at 1 hour old

On the next contraction her head came out the rest of the way and I laid back in the pool so Kenneth could see her and catch her. I let my but float in the water and Kenneth said he was watching her rotate. The next contraction came and she slid right out. I screamed again, but it did not really hurt, I was just scared of it hurting. I saw her little face before she emerged from the water. Her eyes and mouth were wide open. Kenneth caught her and handed her right to me. Little Sarah Anne was water-born into her daddy’s arms on June 2 at 9:21 A.M.

My LOA Baby!

The placenta came out suddenly and I was really caught of guard by the way it just flew out. It was really cool, I could feel my abdomen emptying as it came out. It was more of a closure to my pregnancy than birth was. That was something that I never knew I missed with my son until I experienced it with my daughter. Birthing the placenta is an amazing feeling and is just a really nice end to the whole thing. I took a quick shower and then the three of us just laid around and got to know each other for the rest of the day. Michael joined us a couple hours after the birth. He is just in love with his little sister and so are we. The whole experience was just wonderful and Sarah is perfect!

My youngest, who was only 3 when this all came down, tells me almost every day that she wishes daddy would marry me again so we can be a real family. I try to explain that we are a real family and that our family is just different now, but it is real and full of love and all that we need. She does not agree and has a mission to fix what is broken in her life. She tells me that daddy is sorry for getting a new wife, that he did not mean to do that and she tells him that I forgive him. I have not told her that I forgive him, she is making that up and I assume she is also lying about what her dad says about his “new wife.”

My oldest is also trying to resurrect his family, making appeals to his dad and trying to get him to feel guilty hoping he will see the utter destruction here and turn back to save us. He ends up making things even more tense because his dad thinks I am making them feel this way or do these things and I get accused of trying to make them hate their dad. I have been told countless times that I am hurting the kids or turning them against their father. When, in fact, I do everything I can to protect them from being hurt by this mess and to and preserve the bond they have with their father.

I cannot stop them from being upset about loosing their family or trying to put it back together. They have lost their childhood on my watch and it is like trying to hold sand in my hands, it slips through. The more I try to grasp, the more that gets lost. They have put their own joy on hold to try and save something that has been destroyed. It rules their day and their life now. I try so hard to get them to just go back to the happy little tyrants that they used to be. I have explained that they cannot help their mom and dad and that they should focus on other things, things that make them happy and help them grow. Nothing I do changes things. They want their lives to go back to the way it was when we were all together and happy. I cannot give that to them and it breaks my heart.

Today is bittersweet. At the same time that I contemplate all that my children have lost and all that I could not protect or provide, I see so much that we have accomplished together and a triumph over the destruction that we lived through these last few months. In the last 6-8 months, all three of them have learned to read and write. The older 2 have learned how to cook a whole lot of things. I have managed to buy a home for me and my kids, one that cannot be taken from us. My children and I are closer than ever and they really understand now that they can count on me no matter what is going on or how large the need is. They even show more love and concern for each other, which is so wonderful to watch.

I am rebuilding our lives with true stability and teaching my kids how to be self sufficient. I have left my hopes and dreams behind to build new ones that cannot be destroyed on the whim of someone who’s heart has turned cold towards us. My kids and I have become more solid, more sure of each others love and commitment. We are a real team. I am so proud of all that they have accomplished and so proud of all that I have done on my own. It is true that our family is less without a husband and father, but we are enough. We do not need anyone else and we will be just fine. So today, I mourn that my kids have lost what is most important to them and I celebrate that we have filled the void with my strength and the extraordinary love that my children and I share.

To Michael, Sarah, and Emily:
I love you kids and I am so sorry that things have turned out like they have, but I will always have your back and I will never let you down, ever. You are my world and I will love you with all my heart forever and ever. I am so blessed to have the three of you in my life and so happy to have the honor and the privilege of being your mom.

My day was good, I did not have one sad moment – no crying and no mourning. I got some much needed work and planning completed, I hung out with my kids for a while, and I even got a chance to do some reading. I did not tell the kids that it was a holiday and sent them to bed at their normal snooze time (that is how I got to squeeze in some reading time for myself). I had actually planned to go to bed at 10 or 11 and not worry about the whole midnight thing, but time got away from me and well . . . I was still awake well after midnight.

With just 15 minutes left until midnight, the sounds of fireworks from outside were getting more abundant and I started to feel this happy anticipation in my solar plexus area – for no reason. Perhaps someone who loves me was sending their happy vibes my way or maybe I was able to tap into the oneness of everything for a short time while the world around me celebrated an ending and a new beginning. As the minutes went by I felt more and more calm and content. When the clock turned over to a new day and the sounds from outside reached their pinnacle, I felt an amazing peace within myself. I knew instantly that everything is just fine and it will continue to be just fine.

I wrote in a post on my old blog that I could not imagine ever being happy again. Now, just a few weeks later, I honestly cannot imagine ever being so unhappy again. For more than 4 months I have been living with a mix of intense negative emotions and those emotions are completely justified, but they tend to chip away at a person. Last night was wonderful, but it did not come without some serious work on my part. I could not have had that experience without being open to it first.

So there I was all alone in my office at midnight feeling blissful and whole. I looked up on my whiteboard and the first thing I read this year was a quote from Buddha:

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him.

It may have been serendipitous that I looked up at this particular quote, but is was no coincidence. It is this very principle that has made a huge difference in my life lately. It is not just some belief held by eastern spirituality  – this notion is reinforced in the Bible and even modern psychology. It is not everyday that you get those three paradigms to agree. We are what we think and we feel what we think. We really do create our own reality whether we are conscious of it or not.

The truth is that you cannot control emotion, it will do what it will do depending on how you are hard wired. But your thoughts are like a huge switch board that turns emotions off and on. The key to contentment, even happiness, is not to control your emotions or reactions, but to control your thoughts. I have worked very hard lately to learn how to do this and to start putting what I learn into practice; and it’s working.

There is even a super computer out there that can predict stock market changes (and other things) according to the cumulative text that is posted on the internet everyday. We are all out there creating reality with our thoughts. It can be measured and predicted and it can be controlled. It is an amazing idea if you really let it sink in – we can control reality.

When someone is “awake” it is not that they agree with your philosophy on life or politics or whatever, it is that they are living consciously and in control of their thoughts and their reality. Most people in this world are living unconsciously; allowing their subconscious mind and outside circumstances to dictate their thoughts. It first takes recognition that you can consciously control these things then a great deal of discipline to do it.

Today, life is perfect and I am happy because I choose it. I hope you choose happiness too ♥